Reality check;
Family gatherings offer insights into needs of elderly relatives

By Kathy Millen
Staff Writer

with dementia often resist new places and situations because they are better able to mask cognitive deficiencies more easily in familiar surroundings.

Depression, too, is a common problem among the elderly. Randalynn Kaye, director of marketing and sales at Wyndemere Senior Living Campus in Wheaton, a continuing care retirement community, said that memory problems sometimes can be linked to depression.

Many elderly people can become increasingly depressed during the holiday season. For them, the holidays have changed significantly. While some people can adapt to those changes, others have a difficult time coping, she said.

"Though the holidays are supposed to be a time of excitement and joy and family gatherings, it also can be a time of sadness and loneliness for people who no longer have family around or who are distanced and can no longer travel to where family is," she said.

Looking ahead to an uncertain future can also fuel depression. Still, both Kaye and Gleeson agree that families should be prepared. Gleesen recommends talking to elderly relatives about their need for assistance. But don't expect it to be a welcome subject, she said.

"That is one of the big challenges, to make older adults accept assistance with grace," she said. "They see it as interference and not as assistance, I think, because they translate it as `I'm not capable.' They think opening the door to help is like opening a Pandora's box. You take this away from me, you will take everything away from me."

Kaye said families should begin to examine their loved one's options long before taking action becomes necessary. When considering a retirement home, Kaye advises researching not only the facility, its cost and location, but also the culture of the community which, she said, will determine how much the new arrival will enjoy living there.

"Take the first step of becoming a well-educated consumer," she said. "Know what your choices are
out there. Understand the different types of

retirement communities there are. What is assisted living? How do you research a skilled nursing community? What's out there in memory loss care? What are geriatric care managers.? All kinds of things that families can tap to get support in helping to make decisions and transitions."

The inevitable signs of deterioration don't necessarily signal an emergency. Gleeson said family members should not jump to conclusions about what their elderly relatives need at a given moment in time. They should talk to them or their doctor to determine if they can safely remain living by themselves. Lapses in some areas doesn't mean they are incapable of living independently for a while longer. Don't go looking for "cobwebs," she said. Don't tell them what they should and should not be doing. Rather, tell them what you have observed and listen to their feelings. Address options available and at what time they might be willing to seek them.

"You want to be very respectful," she said. "Unless there is a real clear danger to the older person, you make incremental changes and you are respectful of the time line that the older person has. Maybe they should get out of the house, but that doesn't mean it has to be right away. Do it on their time line. You can still begin discussion on this. That's the concept of seed planting."

So far, Soper said, her father is still able to live comfortably in his own home. He still feels he has some control of his life living there. He still feels like a member of the community. And with the help of his caretaker and ElderCare Solutions, she still feels comfortable that her father's needs are being met.

Still, she knows that someday, despite his wishes to remain in his own home, he may have to move to Maryland to live with her.

"I don't know," she said. "We're still in the decision-making stage in that."

As painful as that decision might be, moving an elderly relative out of his home may be the only wise choice left, Gleeson said.

"I say to families that just because somebody doesn't feel good about the solution doesn't mean it's not the right solution," she said. "Allowing folks to feel sad is very often part of the process of accepting assistance. There is a grief at the loss of independence. ... Very often families say (they) don't feel good about it. They want (their loved one) to feel good about it. But it's pretty normal not to feel good about it."

Contact staff writer Kathy Millen at kmillen@scn1.com or (630) 416-5204.

Some signs of trouble

Registered nurse Signe Gleeson, cofounder of Naperville-based ElderCare Solutions Inc., suggests that adult children be on the lookout for the following when visiting with their elderly parents this holiday season:

• Is household maintenance up to established standards?
• Do your relatives tolerate activity as they used to?
• Do they get out of breath or get easily fatigued?
• Are they interested in participating in the family's traditional holiday activities?
• Do they have meaningful outside activity during your absence?
• Do they have friends with whom they have regular contact?
• Are they able to move around the house easily, climb stairs, get in and out of furniture?
• Can they use household equipment without difficulty?
• Can they recall significant people and events?
• Is there an adequate supply of food and necessities in the house?
• Have they had a significant, unexpected weight loss during the past year?
• Are they keeping up with health care and finances?
• Do they seem somehow different?

For more information about ElderCare Solutions, call (630) 416-2140.